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Mister Stabby Weapon Review by David McCallum # 701548

Right.

 

Let’s get a few things clear.

 

Just because we were over in the Metaverse and had clone bodies that were as green as Kenneth turns whenever he is asked to clean the loos after Patrick and Joel have had a beer and curry night does not mean they were useless at all skills.

 

Add to that his Maroon Flight Helmet and he looks like a septic matchstick.

 

A lot of our… ancillary repertoire comes from knowledge rather than muscle memory. You know the sort of things… reading, writing, fiddling income tax, acts of petty larceny, that sort of thing.

 

So don’t think for one second that just because gear has come back from the Metaverse does not mean we may or may not have accidently found an open file lying around with design notes and specifications in them. All with plausible deniability of course.

 

And so it is with the Cavaliers.

 

Now I will do a review of one of those beasties in due time once I have had a decent chance to take it for a trot around the block, but for starters let’s have a look at one of the really nasty bits of weaponry that comes with it.

 

The ‘official’ name of Subspace Kinetic Energy Wave Repeater (or S.K.E.W.R. for short) is, of course, a load of tosh and holds as much credence as Patrick promising to buy a round of drinks. It is marketing hype fabricated by the Metaverse advertising agencies.

 

I however managed to catch sight of the original designers notes and I can reveal that it is more properly known as the Stabby Kill Everything Within Reach, more commonly referred to simply as Mister Stabby.

 

Why it is not known as Miss, Mrs. or Ms. Stabby I am not sure and will not pursue the matter while the wife is giving me a funny look. Apparently Stabbiness is not a feminine thing, and I will agree with her as soon as she puts the knife down.

 

Besides, it is a bit phallic. Mr. Stabby that is, not the knife.

 

Now that we have that established (the name that is, not its likeness to… erm… thingies…) let’s get on with the actual review.

 

OK, Cost.

 

Free, as long as you have a Cavalier because this is one of those rare weapons that is a fixed mount.

 

So the good news is that you will only ever face one of these per enemy Cavalier in front of you, and the very maximum is going to be 4 per full formation of mechs. Less if you run a defensive rainbow specification of any flavour.

 

Now the bad news.

 

200 speed… that’s fast.

 

200 damage… that’s going to hurt.

 

200% trample… that’s going to hurt lots and lots.

 

And that is just looking at this thing in isolation, which I’m sure many folk are doing.

 

Have a quick look back up the article a bit and just double check that I used the words ‘fixed mount’.

 

So now, let’s have a look at what this weapon will actually be doing and put it in perspective.

 

Let us suppose that somebody throws their Cavalier into the line in haste as soon as they are able to. Unlocked at level 100 (so you need to be at least this good to be able to use it), let’s use that as our base minimum level. Let’s also assume that because they were in a rush, we threw it into the line and forgot to equip it.

 

So the base build of this chassis gives this Laser weapon an automatic 6% damage increase. Now bear in mind that Mr. Stabby is already 17% more powerful than the Lux Amplificare, the single most powerful laser available on the open market, that boost almost makes it a full quarter more powerful. Ouch. No other equipment, no pilot skill, no honour guard bonuses… just let that sink in.

 

While you are thinking about that amount of damage, multiply it by 241% because that is what is going to hit the mech behind with a certain amount of Stabbiness. The base build adds another 41% to that already horrendous Trample. If you really want it spelled out, your second rank mech will take an automatic X2 stabby shot and more, with no Damage Points removed for shielding, only the Trample shield percentage mitigation.

 

Splash 21%, Fork 23%, Wide Fork 15% and a chance of double stabby damage at 16%, all without any other equipment, and that is at only it’s reasonable minimum.

 

In other words, somebody is likely to get hurt if it ever goes off.

 

In other other words, it’s a bit Stabby.

 

So, if one of these things goes off in your face, expect to lose the mech behind the one that got hit and probably the one that got hit too. Fair chance of losing the one to the side, and about a 1 in 6 of losing the whole row.

 

But I like to leave you on a positive, so I can tell you one thing.

 

Met a funny little fellow over there, and he reminded me that when dealing with Mr Stabby, all of this only happens on a successful hit. In other words Dodge is your friend.

 

or as he put it…

 

Best Defence… No be there…

 

 

 

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